July 29, 2014 § Leave a comment
Tails. Rainbow tails out of the back of pants. Not on everyone. A selective few dotting the crowd. I was told that when it was a fad in Seattle it had to do with twinks, more specifically coons and squirrels. I haven’t the slightest clue what a coon or a squirrel is, much less an otter or a bear. This culture is still very new to me. Hell, all of Indiana still feels very new to me, even though I’ve been living here off and on for some five years. Community living in Indiana. Modern day monasticism, with or without your deity of choice. I wandered the crowds with a Nikon D200, nothing fancy, borrowed work camera, shots of queers, fems, butch lesbians. All Beautiful People. All a small part of a counter cultural movement that desires autonomy from the mainstream yet acceptance from it. I walked alone, searching for that moment, the one captured so perfectly with the eye that tells a story screaming to be shot and not being captured it will suffocate into the emptiness of time and all these Beautiful People will be digested with it, eaten away as our bodies turn back into the dust of life and breed new life for others searching for that same same moment. A few clicks, a few settings changed, smiles everywhere, an ‘aw what the hell man’, even a ‘we could be siblings’ but friendliness everywhere. Midwestern flair of a transparent people. Protesters outside yet still civil and the air was calm and sticky with the humidity of summer storms moving through the great ole’ sky that never ceases to end, that stretches out beyond the horizon to where the Midwest stops and the rest of the world begins, something that until only a few years ago I was finally able to travel through, to see and visit and hear how the rest of the little nations within this Nation live and then I danced through it with the desire of flesh, the desire of years of small dairy farm oppression (that destroys the strength of greater men than me) finally coming out of me and now I am here, dancing in unison with the crowd of PRIDE Fest in Fort Wayne, all Beautiful Souls searching searching searching for the Truth and Acceptance in whatever form that brings and the protesters outside proclaiming the Truth of their faith and you cannot be angry with them because I understand it, I lived it once, I too always coming up empty on debts that only Truth could pay for, I too once believed the Gospel of Evangelicalism, I too once took hope that my Cross was within the Norm and the Beautiful that society had placed upon me and now I see it all so clearly that Truth and Beauty are everywhere and nowhere at once and I still struggle with the desire to take up my Cross and follow it everywhere it leads as long as it leads to comfort. Later that night was the drag show. Makeup and men hand in hand on stage showing off fantastic bottles and bodies, cheers and exhilaration seeping from the crowds, a bitter young woman drunkenly arguing why the protesters (who have escaped to their comfortable homes unscathed) are wrong and acceptance is the only Way. I breathed deeply, in awe of the experience, in awe of everyone’s experience around me. Community happening. Togethering: a place where people together, meet, eat, sleep, live, breathe, celebrate, die. A Beautiful culture that I will never understand, will never be apart of and yet still try to capture in thought and deed and image. Different in perspective than my community, the poorly imitated intentionality that I so often fail at yet seek within my being. The human story being played out a million ways and a million times within my life within your life within the life of community at PRIDE, a deep internal struggling to be better, to be good, to find love and acceptance and peace and desire realized yet often dismissed, disarrayed and destroyed by that other-world of darkness that cares of no one and yet we are all guilty of participating, all imperfect yet moving steadily steadily steadily towards the light of hope found in community. In this instance, a community of tails.
June 29, 2014 § Leave a comment
Three people walked by me this afternoon,
A lonely woman who paused to look deep in the river,
a father watching his little girl ride her tricycle, trying precariously to keep balance,
An old man confined to a wheelchair being pushed by his weary wife,
What is more than life,
What did I do in return?
I lit another cigarette and turned my head back to my phone.
Pausing to watch these people wander throughout the day rather than join them in this mysterious dance of life that surrounds us and seeps into our very being
June 22, 2014 § Leave a comment
A constructed chaos poured forth from the concrete crack called home
Oblivious to the Sunday morning folk inside the building they’ve gathered around
As those voices inside are oblivious to the worship of the ants spewing forth to collect crumbs of life left by those who also spew forth from their own schedules to meet once a week
Of the daily constant worship of the march of the ants.
May 25, 2014 § Leave a comment
And so we did our best to dress as Wes Anderson characters, urgently seeking to feel the whimsy of his magic in ours, urgently burning to find peace and beauty trapped somewhere, somewhere if only we could open ours eyes to see and our ears to hear, trapped somewhere deep within the despair entrenched into the very crevices of our hearts, subconsciously piled under the weight of words that the world we live in weary us with the daily thinking that we are the true masters of this world, not seeing the dichotomy we place stringently upon this world and the world we seek after, the other unworldly world of heaven on earth mixed not with sorrow of past life nor of words that force us to weep at the unexpected encounter of who we really are found at the bottom of cheap wine bottles and unsure hearts, but the unworldly other world found beneath steeples and spires on Sunday mornings as we wash away the week before, as we wash away last nights drunken revelries, as we wash away the academic bullshit of intellectual conversations peppered throughout our lives of the newest movies or music, of the time aged classics of Siddhartha and Kerouac, those conversations of theology and philosophy that we pretend make us important and we weirdly place as the highlight of life because we find meaning here, we find that we are only truly ourselves in deep conversations because the holiness of magic cannot be found in the shallow, and so we meet with impure hearts and minds after late night desperate fucks seeking the magic of another world, of another mind that is not our own, forgetting that at one time we were children and that the very feast of our souls was found glimmering from ours eyes, glimmering from the the early spring flowers and trees hidden deep within winter slumber, and somewhere we forgot to continue that astonishment and amazement, we forgot that we still have that capacity within ourselves to find that magic, that unwordly other world that we find so unwieldy, so we dress ourselves as Wes Anderson characters hopelessly wishing that the magic of our youth was more than just seeing the simple spring flowers or the winter trees deep in slumber.
May 24, 2014 § Leave a comment
We sat under the stars over the trickling-summer-dried-river and talked of the future as if we were the gods discoursing the plans of those creatures above and as they slowly spun around our heads we held on to each other tightly, hungrily, in this infinite moment of small moments everywhere, knowing that when the dawn breaks we would be separated by more than the distance of all those stars combined, and that the crumbs of our bodily feast would never be able to satisfy us again.
May 21, 2014 § Leave a comment
And so we smoked pot in a dingy two roommate bedroom, surrounded by the strangeness of Mac DeMarco stinginess with a Native American named Mason headed out to the Dakotas summer soon to learn the language of his fathers and a young Cornel West lookalike that the damn dog wouldn’t stop growling at, and other such oddities cast out by the cold cunt of America, the unliberated liberals of dives and dumps, for those whose graduation comes not from a degree but from the relentless reality of being discarded for being the unconventional lovers of life, the bitterness of young age oppression cast aside only by the smoke which fills our lungs and surrounds our stories, our small parts in this larger story of a Midwestern summer night, a community without hope grasping at the aftermath of the post-industrial, post-capitalist, post-modern small town with an underbelly of methuselahs of meth and hopelessness that poverty brings into being, so we smoked and drank our fill until we forgot even our names, we smoked and drank until nothing was left in the world except this small bedroom community that being outcasts brings, until the small town and the middle class that haunts our very breasts and breathe ceased to have any say into our lives, because we were the masters of this infinite moment of small bedrooms everywhere, we were the lords of life and the kings of summer, and no longer were the chains of modern American peasantry wrapped around our legs, no longer were the tortures of jobs and mundane necessities of being were brought into existence, so we took communion, the blood of Jesus out of wine boxes for all those before and all those after who will know only like us the tortures of bedroom closet hideaways and existential late night walks downtown in the cold freezing rain chain smoking cigarettes until our lungs could no longer scream in frustration, and we took in the cannabis body of Christ as the cannibals of our society take in the drugs of sugar and coffee and chemical food, we took it in hungrily as we were starved for life, as we the true junkys of Boroughsean madness can only know life by injecting it into our veins, we took communion for the salvation of all those like us in dingy two roommate bedrooms surrounded by the strangeness of Mac DeMarco stinginess.
May 21, 2014 § Leave a comment
And when we came of age, we had no war to fall in love with so instead we loved each other’s bodies, ravenously devouring the fruits of our desire, those raw ripening delectables before the deafening decay when all we hold dear has been divinely divorced from our age-sickness bodies, before the disease of life has become manifest in our dreams and we drown in that ever deepening ocean of doubt that shreds what faith in we had in each other, oblivious to the pain and darkness in each other’s heart that we could find if only we had been brave enough to walk hand in hand into the doorway of perception together, if only we had the courage to face who we really are, if only there had been a war for us to fall in love with.